Bernadette Gockowski, who grew up attending Sacred Heart parish in Staples, describes her relationship with her husband, David, as “love at first sight” and recalls how easy their relationship and wedding in 2014 transpired.
It wasn’t long after the wedding that Bernadette became pregnant. And it wasn’t long after that when they lost the baby to miscarriage.
“I hadn’t thought about that possibility before and was caught off guard,” Bernadette said. “I was really distraught.”
She and an office friend, who also had experienced a miscarriage, searched to find spaces and resources to help support them in their grief.
Their search resulted in finding only one Catholic website with facts and resources, but it lacked a source for connection.
Bernadette, who now lives in Somerset, Wisconsin, and attends St. Agnes Parish in St. Paul, found online support groups, too, but was overwhelmed by the number of participants on each virtual call.
She felt her grief of their first loss “got pushed aside” once she and David were blessed with two healthy babies. But when they lost two additional children to miscarriage, the grief overwhelmed her.
Even after her third healthy baby was born, her grief remained.
“I will never forget the pain that I felt no matter how happy my healthy babies make me feel,” Bernadette said.
With a master’s degree in theology, her experience with Ignatian spirituality and her grief in tow, she decided to fill the gap she found after experiencing her first loss by designing a retreat for women who lost children through miscarriage and stillbirth.
In 2019, Bernadette hosted her first retreat in the Archdiocese of Saint Paul and Minneapolis.
“I felt relieved that the retreat resonated with women,” she said.
This fall, the Office of Marriage and Family will host “Known by God,” the retreat designed and led by Bernadette, on November 15 at Christ Church Newman Center on the campus of St. Cloud State University. (Click here to register)
“In my research, I found that many couples who’ve experienced child loss due to stillbirth or miscarriage suffer silently,” said Janet Dusek, diocesan director of the Office of Marriage and Family. “My hope is that they’ll come to this retreat and find comfort in knowing they’re not alone and give them opportunity to pray, share and learn alongside others who are grieving, too.”
The retreat takes place from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. and includes testimonies from three women who participated in the first Known by God retreat. Alongside the testimonies, the retreat includes a talk on bringing the difficulty of the loss to God in prayer and large and small group discussion and personal prayer time where participants are encouraged to reflect upon how their loss affected their relationship with God, people around them and themselves.
“It’s been really cool to see people connect and get together in a way they would otherwise not be able to,” Bernadette said. “The retreat is a prolonged day where you can really meet others and learn from them.”
Bernadette is now a mother to five children on earth and three in heaven. In the busyness of life or when fighting self-doubt, she recalls the stories of loss she’s heard from participants.
“A 75-year-old woman shared with me that she had never talked with anyone about the six babies she had lost until she attended the retreat,” Bernadette said.
“And a 21-year-old woman who lost a baby who was overdue by one week said, ‘My friends aren’t even getting married and having babies, let alone having their baby die, so I felt like they couldn’t relate to what I’m feeling,’” she continued.
Bernadette and Janet want to affirm anyone considering attending regardless of their age or stage of grief.
“I’m hoping the information will get out to women who may not have been given the opportunity to share their loss in the past,” Janet said.
“All are welcome. We’ve had women from age 21 to 85 in the past, so it’s not for women of any specific age,” Bernadette explained. “Even women who feel they’ve already healed can gain additional closure or healing.”