By Samuel Rahberg
Of all the listening strategies I’ve taught to small groups, teams and spiritual directors over the years, one approach is celebrated more than the rest. “It works!” as a student said recently, “I could see my adult daughter calming down and sharing more deeply than when I listen in my usual way.” We’ll explore this easy-to-use strategy, but first, let’s consider why it’s so effective.
The Problem: Overwhelmed by thoughts and words
For all our good intentions about building relationships and strengthening the body of Christ, sometimes we do not listen to one another well. One reason might be that the sheer volume of words and thoughts we encounter each day overwhelms our patience and carefulness. To cope, we subconsciously filter, notice patterns and prioritize certain information. This happens so quickly that we often make inferences and decisions based on a mere sliver of what’s being shared.
When we listen in this ordinary, “efficient” way, we’re likely to listen for the bullet points, fill in the gaps, interrupt with questions or shortcut the speaker’s process with advice or commentary. This pseudo-listening may be unintentional, but it is far too common. Better we practice listening in a way that encourages our colleagues, neighbors, friends, and family members to feel heard, calm down and share more deeply.
The Practice: “I notice, I wonder, I appreciate”
While some people are naturally gifted listeners, the rest of us can develop a similar kind of presence by becoming more aware of our internal noise and finding responses that help keep the speaker at the center. A simple yet proven strategy is to practice packaging what you feel led to say in one of three phrases: “I notice, I wonder or I appreciate.” Use them in any order and keep them close at hand. Here’s how they work:
“I notice …”
To notice something means the Spirit has helped you attend well enough for something significant to stand out. You might experience an “aha,” see a pattern or make a meaningful connection. The key is to begin with, “I notice …” and keep it brief. For example:
- “I notice how much thought you’ve put into this.”
- “I notice that you paused when you mentioned your decision.”
Keep it succinct so the speaker’s flow isn’t interrupted.
“I wonder …”
To wonder with someone is to follow the Spirit into a space of genuine curiosity. This isn’t about offering veiled advice (“I wonder if you should…”) but about posing open-ended, agenda-free questions. For instance:
- “I wonder what you’re hoping for in this situation.”
- “I wonder how you felt when that happened.”
Such questions invite exploration and reflection without steering the conversation.
“I appreciate …”
To appreciate is to move toward compassion, gratitude, and abundance. Begin with, “I appreciate …” to express solidarity and encouragement. Avoid overdoing the cheerleading; instead, aim for authentic and measured support. For example:
- “I appreciate the courage it took to share that.”
- “I appreciate how you’re working through this challenge.”
This approach helps create a nonjudgmental space where the speaker feels valued and understood.
The Benefits: Slowing down to real listening
A small group once reported back to me, laughing: “We stopped using these phrases because they slowed down our thinking!” And that, my friends, is precisely the point! Practicing these phrases intentionally helps us navigate our more reactive tendencies. They help us listen more closely to the heart of the story and discern how the Spirit might be leading us to extend some invitation to the speaker in the moment.
Imagine a community of listeners
Imagine a community where everyone practiced these phrases. Whose voices might be better heard? What hidden wisdom might emerge? How might we grow in understanding
one another?
Pick a phrase or two and give them a try in your next conversation. Sam would love to hear what happened when you listened differently. Contact him at sam@samuelrahberg.com.
Sam Rahberg is the director of the Certificate in Spiritual Direction at Saint John’s School of Theology and Seminary in Collegeville.