6,000 days.
Oct. 1 will mark the 6,000th time Kathy Robbins has numbered the day on her calendar, each one representing a day she has survived without her son, Jonathon, who died by suicide in 2010.
Kathy, and her husband Curt, have learned a lot in those 6,000 days about what it means to be a survivor of someone lost to suicide. They hope by sharing their family’s story, it will increase awareness for others, especially this month as the nation observes national suicide prevention month in September.
“I want people to know that struggling with mental health is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is no shame when someone you love dies by suicide. It is no different than losing a hard battle to cancer. Sometimes depression wins,” Kathy said. “It doesn’t change the amazing person that lost their battle. They were not their disease.”
After graduating from ROCORI, their son Jonathon began his first year at the University of Minnesota Twin Cities, where he planned to study architecture.
“He was very smart and we knew he was going to thrive there,” Kathy said.
During that year, they began noticing changes in him. He separated himself from the family and, when they did see him, they could tell he wasn’t taking care of himself. The son who had always made sure his hair looked right was no longer showering. His body language changed and he started sharing irrational fears with Kathy.
They tried to get him help, but he didn’t want it.
Kathy and Curt knew Jonathon made an unexpected road trip to Texas, and when he arrived back in Minnesota, they were glad he came home to Cold Spring, where he knew he was loved, asking for help.
“He really had to hit rock bottom before getting help was even an option for him,” Kathy said.
At this point, Kathy and Curt worked hard to advocate for Jonathon, knowing he needed solutions sooner than the six weeks it often takes for medication alone to be effective. After a long stay in the hospital, he was discharged.
Kathy recalls laughing with him on the way home and again later the same day while watching a movie.
“I hadn’t heard him laugh in so long, and then hearing it was so great,” Kathy said.
That same night, Kathy and Curt needed to accompany their daughter, Arianna, to a confirmation preparation event at their parish, St. Boniface Parish in Cold Spring.
Before leaving, they went through the entire safety protocol they learned earlier in the day from the hospital staff. Kathy told him that if he wanted her to come home, he should call. She then placed the phone right next to him.
When Kathy and Curt arrived home, they found Jonathon dead inside the garage.
“He told me he wasn’t thinking about harming himself before we left, but I think he knew,” Kathy remembered.
The impact hit Kathy and Curt hard, of course, and they knew that going through this type of loss could destroy a family.
“I knew from the get-go that [Curt and I] needed to stay together,” Kathy said. “Our kids lost their brother; they didn’t need to lose their parents.”
There were days Kathy remembers lying on the driveway overcome with grief.
Curt shared how receiving a once casual text message now caused him to panic.
“If Kathy would text me ‘Give me a call,’ I instantly went into panic mode,” he said.
The way they parented changed, too. They worried about their other children, Arianna and Jordan.
“We don’t live in a world where your kids can’t die,” Kathy said. “If they’re sad, then what’s that going to lead to?”
“A whole bunch of stuff goes through your head,” Curt said. “If they’re not happy, are they going to consider suicide?”
To provide distraction, Kathy’s sisters took her on a trip to New York City less than nine months after Jonathon’s death. She recalls her visit to St. Patrick’s Cathedral where she saw William Ordway Partridge’s sculpture, “The Pieta,” depicting the moment when Jesus was taken off the cross and placed in Mary’s arms.
“I literally had a mental breakdown there with Mary,” she said. “She gave up her kid, and I lost my kid, and I thought about how strong she was and how brave. You do hard things because you love your kids. So, I get a lot of strength from Mary.”
One thing Jonathon loved besides riding BMX bike, playing Dungeons and Dragons, creating artwork and playing sports was running.
Jonathon, Kathy and Curt had spent time running together, even completing Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth. Jonathon hadn’t trained as strictly as his parents, and Kathy caught up to him at mile six.
“Jonathon told me, ‘You can go ahead,’ and I told him, ‘There is nowhere that I would rather be, having you to myself for hours.’ It was just the two of us, and it was the best time ever,” Kathy said.
After Jonathon’s death and keeping in mind Jonathon’s love for running, they decided to begin a memorial run they named, “Let the Sunshine In.”
“I always called him my sunshine and would sing that to him all the time,” Kathy said. “A big sun was even on his graduation cake.”
They found that not only did the event give them something to pour their grief into, but it also gave the community a stigma-free space to talk about suicide and talk about their loved ones.
In April, after 16 years, 1,387 participants helped the Robbins family celebrate the event’s finale. Over $636,000 was raised for the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation in honor of Jonathon and all who lost their lives to suicide.
Kathy also expresses the need for events that recognize loss by suicide in the Church and is grateful the Diocese of St. Cloud hosts the Mass for Suicide Healing and Remembrance annually.
“I remember stories of suicide being a sin in the eyes of the Church. [Holding this Mass] shows that the Church recognizes that when someone dies by suicide, it doesn’t condemn them, and they are still welcome in God’s loving arms.”
The Mass also provides an opportunity for survivors to be around others who understand their pain, and there is tremendous healing in that,” she added.
Although the memorial run has come to an end, many of the family’s other ways of remembering Jonathon continue. They collect penguins, his favorite animal, include his name on holiday and birthday cards, take a small stuffed penguin on vacation with them and include a Star Wars Jedi teddy bear in their family photos.
“Just because you can’t see him doesn’t mean he’s not here. He’s still part of our life,” Kathy said.
On her hardest days, she remembers the hope that one day she’ll be with Jonathon again.
“I’ve got to do good here because I’ve got to make it up there [heaven],” she said. “And I want him to be proud.”
The Suicide Healing and Remembrance Mass will take place on Saturday, Sept. 26 at St. Mary’s Cathedral (25 8thAve. S., St. Cloud) as part of the Cathedral’s already scheduled 5 p.m. liturgy.
For those who would like to learn more about suicide and how you can support families who may be struggling with this type of loss, or who have loved ones facing mental health challenges, visit the Diocesan Mental Health Ministry website: https://stcdio.org/mental-health-ministry/