The Big Question: Why aren’t more young people choosing to marry in the Church?

Each month, The Central Minnesota Catholic features a big question the Church is facing. June’s question is: “Why aren’t more young people choosing to marry in the Church?” Weighing in on this month’s topic are Patrick Flynn, director of the diocesan Office of Marriage and Family; Father Derek Wiechmann, pastor of St. Kathryn, Ogilvie, St. Mary, Mora, St. Mary, Milaca, and St. Louis Bertrand, Foreston; and Brandon and Cassandra Allen, members of St. Mary’s Cathedral in St. Cloud who were married last June.

Q Patrick, the big question is “Why aren’t more young people choosing to marry in the Church?”

How serious of an issue is this in the Church today? What are some of the statistics trending around this issue — nationally and in the Diocese of St. Cloud?

Patrick Flynn

PATRICK: The sacrament of matrimony has been such an amazing and fruitful channel of grace for so many couples over the years. God has worked through this sacrament to display his great love for the Church — the people of God.

In the U.S. the annual number of weddings has not really changed for many years, but our country’s population has increased, so that means the number of weddings per capita is shrinking. With this national trend in mind, one might think that the number of Catholic weddings would follow a similar path of decline, but the decline of Catholic weddings has been precipitous compared to the national average. In 1969, there were 426,309 Catholic weddings in the United States. In 2014, that number had dropped to 151,364 Catholic weddings. That’s 65% fewer weddings in 45 years.

As I look at our own Diocese of St. Cloud, I notice that the number of engaged couples participating in our marriage preparation weekends has dropped by 50% in the past 10 years. In 2009, there were approximately 650 engaged couples taking the marriage prep course. In 2019, there were only 330 couples.

On a positive note, the engaged couples who are currently coming to the marriage prep weekends tend to be much more interested in their faith and more engaged in the process of marriage preparation. This is a good sign in the midst of the declining numbers of the newly married.

According to the studies available, we can tell that Catholics are still being married, but many of them are not being married in the Church. They are choosing other settings even when they are marrying another Catholic. I recently attended the wedding of my good friend’s son. He was raised Catholic and he was marrying a Catholic, but they were married in an evangelical Christian church. This is not an unusual situation in our current culture. These two young people did not see anything out of the ordinary about their decision.

Q Father Derek, you’re 20-something. What kinds of concerns are people your age worried about in the Church right now?

FATHER DEREK: I think people my age feel as though they don’t have a place in the Church. They feel programs already in place aren’t for them or they don’t speak to what they are experiencing in their lives. This problem arises when we get too tied down by our programs, and the programs themselves begin to control the environment, not the Holy Spirit. I also think that people my age are concerned with authenticity. Millennials can see a phony a million miles away. We desire honesty among our leaders and, while we are forgiving, hypocrisy can drive 20-somethings away faster than anything.

Q Do these issues affect their decision to marry in the Church?

FATHER DEREK: It definitely could. Why would someone get married in a church that they “feel” no connection in?

Q What are some of the biggest issues couples wrestle with today regarding marriage?

Father Derek Wiechmann

FATHER DEREK: I’ve prepared only a handful of couples for marriage at this point. Each one that I’ve been a part of has been enriching, and I believe it has made me a better and more dedicated priest. There are two things that come to mind: The first thing that some couples wrestle with is if they are ready or not for the big day. There can be a lot of pressure from others for their wedding day to go smoothly and this can lead to anxiety, and couples may take their eyes off the reality of the sacrament they are about to receive. In addition to that, some experience doubt that they are ready, and they feel like they have to have everything figured out by the time the wedding day comes around.

I remember in seminary experiencing a very similar thing. I was nearing ordination day and was, for lack of better terms, freaking out to my spiritual director about not being ready to be a priest. He pointed out to me that I will never be ready and the day that I am ordained is the first day of many where I will be saying yes to the Lord’s will in my life. I didn’t have to have everything figured out, but that the grace of the day of ordination would flow throughout my life. Marriage is similar. In the lifelong commitment, grace abounds throughout a couple’s lives, not just the first day. Most couples probably wouldn’t get married if they truly knew all of the trials they would undergo throughout their lives. God’s grace though is sufficient and will sustain.

Secondly, couples struggle with the number of requirements they are asked to undergo before marriage. That first meeting with a couple can seem overwhelming because they get a “list” of things that need to be completed. Each of these things are so important and helps them to discern if they are to be married or not. In my opinion, the preparation period isn’t long enough!

Brandon and Cassandra Allen

CASSANDRA: Some of my friends have said that cost is a factor. There is a “mandatory donation” that parishes ask for to cover costs. Young couples don’t have a lot of money when they are just starting out. Other friends have chosen not to marry in the Church because of their family members not being comfortable. For example, if they are not Catholic or are not regular church-goers, the family doesn’t know what to do or how to act and avoid the Church.

Another big factor is the media. When you plan a wedding, the media tries to persuade you to do destination weddings. Even at the wedding expos I attended before we got married, many of the photographers encouraged us to do a destination wedding to get better photos. Also, many of the venues we called want you to have your ceremony there, too, instead of having the ceremony at the church and then going to the reception.

PATRICK: Cohabitation before marriage has become common. This situation can make couples reluctant to pursue marriage in a religious setting because they are not sure how they will be received.

Many couples are interested in a nontraditional setting for their wedding. They may have a destination or outdoor wedding in mind.

Statistically, younger Catholics have a lower allegiance toward institutional faith. They have a lower percentage of Mass attendance and other markers of Catholic identity. Generally, younger Catholics are rejecting the Church’s teachings about sexuality and they are reluctant to attend marriage preparation that reinforces these teachings.

Finally, there is a serious decline in the pressure that parents and families exert to encourage young people to marry in the Catholic Church. The general attitude of many Catholic parents today is that they will not interfere by expressing their opinion.

Q Patrick, what is the Diocese of St. Cloud doing to encourage young people contemplating marriage to marry in the Church?

PATRICK: One of the bright spots is that the couples coming to the Church to be married right now seem to be more engaged in the preparation process and better prepared. They seem to be the cream of the crop. That’s a great and hopeful sign for the Church.

Another thing we can do is to speak up. My dad always used to tell me when I was growing up that if I see something wrong, I should, “speak up.” Faithful Catholics need to speak up about the problems with cohabitation before marriage. Cohabitation doesn’t work. It actually leads to a higher divorce rate. It promises a better relationship, but delivers a worse relationship. We need to tell people about this.

In addition, parents and families need to say something about the beauty and grace that is offered through the sacrament of matrimony. Why should the newly married settle for a contractual agreement (civil marriage) when God offers them a covenant relationship through the sacrament?

Our office is currently revamping our engaged couples’ marriage preparation weekend. We think it will better assist couples and help them lay a faith-filled groundwork for their marriages. We are working to help prepare engaged couples and help to enrich marriages in our diocese.

Q Cassandra and Brandon, did you feel like the Church was helpful in your marriage preparation?

CASSANDRA: We went through the marriage course. We loved it and we recommend it for everyone, even if they don’t get married in the Church. But it was a big commitment of time. We had multiple meetings with the deacon, the marriage course itself was an entire weekend, which can be hard for some people to schedule, and we met with a married couple several times. It was hard to find time, but we did it. We learned a lot more about each other. A lot of that was helpful with our relationship and knowing how to talk to each other.

Brandon and Cassandra Allen, who were married at St. Mary’s Cathedral in June 2019, always knew they wanted to be married in the Church. (photo submitted)

BRANDON: Going through the preparations helped us know that the problems in our relationship weren’t uncommon. It was very insightful to see we aren’t the only ones having the same problems and that when it comes down to it, your spouse is the most important person in your life. It was really awesome the things they were sharing with us, and it was a wonderful time for us to get to learn more about each other. It was also helpful to meet other couples who were having the same questions we had.

Q How can the Church — both the structures and the people in the pews — encourage couples to come for the sacrament of matrimony?

BRANDON: I would say when we were inquiring about the process, they took a pretty heavy approach, telling us the long list of things we had to check off our list. I think a softer approach from the Church would’ve been more welcoming. I can see that it scares people away when they have a long list of things to do.

CASSANDRA: When we were ready to take the next step after getting engaged, we didn’t even know where to start. I think couples would like more information about what to do if you are thinking about or getting ready for marriage regarding the process and about the sacrament itself. I don’t think a lot of young people understand the sacrament. Some of the young couples might have been away from the Church for a while and want to come back for the sacrament. It would be helpful to let them know that they are welcome, even if they have been away, or that if one of the people is not Catholic or not baptized, they can still come to the Church for marriage. People are afraid when they don’t know the expectations.

FATHER DEREK: We need to focus on the fact that all sacraments are an encounter with Jesus Christ. Marriage, as a sacrament, is a covenant, which is more than a contract. Covenant always expresses a relationship between persons. The marriage covenant refers to the relationship between the husband and wife, a permanent union of persons capable of knowing and loving each other and God. By their marriage, the couple witnesses Christ’s spousal love for the Church. Christ gave his life for each of us. A couple learns how to love each other from Jesus, to lay down one’s life for each other.

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Readers respond

Each month, The Central Minnesota Catholic invites readers to reflect on a “Big Question.” A reader responded to April’s question: “What should we do about the ‘nones’?”

What can we do to help people stay engaged, to stay in the Church? I believe that we should be doing what Matthew Kelly said in one of his books: We should make good, meaningful relationships with people. Start by talking to someone and then invite them out to coffee, a ballgame or a walk around the park. Just talk to them and get to know them. Let them know you care. Once you have developed a nice friendship with them, slowly introduce religion into your conversations. After a few months, invite them to a Church event, give them a good Catholic book, or go to a chapel to pray with them. I sincerely believe that if we would just open up to people and be friendly, people would stay engaged. Be welcoming like Christ. And don’t forget the power of prayer!

JULIA STICH
St. James Parish, Randall

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Minnesota Catholic Podcasts
June 2020

The following podcast will be posted in June. You can access it by visiting www.TheCentralMinnesotaCatholic.org and clicking on “Minnesota Catholic Podcasts.” You also can subscribe to Minnesota Catholic Podcasts on iTunes or Google Play.

Topic: Tips for planning a Catholic wedding: What every couple should know
Guests: Patrick Flynn and Janet Dusek, Office of Marriage and Family, Diocese of St. Cloud

Patrick and Janet discuss how to keep God, your faith and love at the center of your big day.

Question for reflection

After reading the discussion about young people getting married in the Church, reflect on the challenges faced by today’s couples. What is your best advice for young Catholic couples undecided about marrying in the Church? You are invited to submit your answer (150 words or less) to editor Joe Towalski at jtowalski@gw.stcdio.org. A sampling of answers will be published in a future edition of The Central Minnesota Catholic.

Author: The Central Minnesota Catholic

The Central Minnesota Catholic is the magazine for the Diocese of St. Cloud.

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